Category Archives: Thoughts from Thursday

Letter to future self

 

I need face the facts, I cannot do everything. This means that while working twelve hours a day five or six days a week I am not finding myself the needed time to sleep leave alone write. This week was my payment for the renewal of my domain name. With out really thinking about it the payment was automatically charged to my card and I own Rachel Recaps.com for 13 more months. This should be more exciting to me, but as it has been clear to see the quality and regularity of my posting has taken a decline. This is largely in part due to the working 70 hours a week thing but I also have lost most of my drive to creative free write.

I would love to take some time and unplug and gather my thoughts but that is not even right. Due to my job and it’s expectations there is not much time for me to be on a phone  or computer(unless you count the register computer but I don’t like to.) I get a sliver of the best of each world. I am required to be off the grid most of my waking hours but forced to look at the screen of a touchable computer.

Today I had off and needed to make multiple phone calls about graduating, and travel plans none of which went the way I had hoped. The way I took my mind off this seeming failure was baking and now hating myself for eating so many cupcakes. Six down a dozen left to decorate and devour by others. I then went to the beach with a friend until we got rained out.

For dinner I needed to get out of the house and decided to leave my phone out of the picture. I walked to the local Italian place where I had to wait 20 minutes for garlic knots. During the walk I thought about how much I do not notice my surroundings, I bike past this path every day for work but never look for new details. Waiting for my food to be cooked I pulled out my laptop and typed up this post. I don’t know what is best for me or those around me. I really do try my best to work and save and not have a break down. The issue is in my pursuit to work I am loosing track of everything else. My family never talks to me and that is my own doing. I turn 21 in a few days but not even that is really exciting to me. Upcoming events that are huge feel so distance and the daily grind feel like it will continue forever when in sad reality the days are numbered.

I am happy with my level of being off the grid. I know it is largely due to the whole work thing but going abroad there is a high chance I will not have my phone doing the things it currently does( Calls and texts) I would love to see more messages from the people I always text first but that isn’t what is making me sad recently. I am in a good place and that is much better than I can say sometimes.

Typing on my computer filled a void I hadn’t realized was there. I may be taking some time to be sporadic with posting. But also with writing I have a project in mind that would not likely be shared due to it’s content being too close to me. So I may be writing offline for a while. No one will really read this but one day when I go back and look at it the way one reminisces over a diary ill know I could have done better. So past Rachel is apologizing for future Rachel- just know I am pretty much always trying my best but hind sight can be 20/20.

where to begin

I am going to start by apologizing for last weeks post I was out with friends and wrote it in like two seconds on my phone in a car going to a sleep over that didn’t end up happening. I am doing a million things and trying not to make excesses but I know this blog is not my top priority. The women who inspired me to write and do this blog has just today announced that she needs to change things up in order for the cite to keep going at all. I am coming due for the renewal of my domain name and start to have doubts. I have doubts about everything recently because there is no way to do everything, leaving is hard and starting anew is even harder but the middle aims to make it all worth it.

I know that this week I am posting a forum post I wrote for my almost over online class. This history class has made me write more in the last few weeks than I have been able to write for myself in a long time and that is scary. I do not have the desire to create this but I am too scared to give up. I recently had my wisdom teeth pulled and it’s given me far too much time to sit at home and think and watch netflix but mostly think. I have gotten so used to having no free time, getting home from work completely exhausted and having one day a week off to do all the chores I have put off this blog post normally being a chore among the rest.

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I am in no place to make a decision about going forward right now and no matter what really do want to keep this site going but I have to figure out what with and who for. I post so much of my life here which is a great documentation for myself but it opens my life up to anyone who is willing to take the time to skim the site over.

EQUALITY FORUM POST

Equality has held different definitions over the course of history. A current example of equality not being achieved for all people is based on sexual orientation. (Bathroom laws, trans right LBGTQ issues, hate crimes Etc.) Just last summer was it legalized for same sex marriage. Though there are still huge issues due to the lack of equality a few hundred years ago the word equality only related to one group of people in the US, the white land owning male. A discussion of equal rights could not have been held considering women did not have the right to vote and neither did blacks. To view people as dependents or property from a political view is only alright now as a tax break (marriage or children.)

Mercy Otis Warren is an example against the theory of minorities being unable to independently forming conclusions. This is shown in the political writing of the pamphlet she wrote and published under a pseudonym. A smart educated women who was well versed in  her upbringing and theory that wrote and published proves that not all of these people who were considered dependent to those who owned their livelihood were unable to form their own educated conclusions. The circumstances were far more related to background knowledge.

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I saw a super cool concert with my forever family friend Mary and there was a pride booth which was amazing, I got so many cool stickers for my computer, the best of which says make america gay again.

Be Nice

Two finals tomorrow will push me past half way of the spring 2016 finals. I have had a crazy day crying sleep lots of work accomplished. Some alarming news. I need to get to bed so I can be bright eyed and bushy tailed for my 8am exam and nail it.

Please be nice to people you never know what they are going through. There is only one person you control and it’s yourself. For that reason you can make a difference in another life through leading by example.

Sleepless in Rhode Island 

It’s my hell week and far worse than finals. I have not been sleeping much and when I do give in and close my eyes I’m not getting good sleep. I have had an Exam every day this week and papers and presentations, clubs activities and work. I need a person health day. I cry a few times a day and am getting really sick because of the things mentioned earlier.

I’m gong to tell you two stories from yesterday which I thought were amusing. (And I don’t want to let myself forget.)

  • I have a field lab for herpetology and yesterday we went out looking for snakes. I caught a black racer with the help of four classmates who were all cornering it. But I was the one who grabbed him. I did the actual catching.

The snake bit me but I sure looked happy to have him. And there were so many goo jokes about how I like the kinky stuff.

  • I went to the movie theater to see season one of rwby (a rooster teeth anime show) and I messed up. My frieds all showers their emails and were given tickets but my name wasn’t on the list.

A manager was called over. Looked at my ticket and sai tires for rocklin California not providence Rhode Island. So I had to buy another ticket.

Luckily my friends made fun of me but I had a good humor about it and laughed along at my mistake. I emailed Rocklin and they issued me a refund. So it all worked out it was just a funny mix up where I was the butt of the jokes.

Good luck on finals. I know I need it ⭐️🐍📹

Unhappy sleep

I have a rule for myself. I have many but the one at hand right now is I will not go to sleep unhappy. I can be neutral or above but I won’t fall asleep in tears. The sleep when you’re miserable is not all that good anyway.

Last night was a doozie. I worked late then got through some work, I knew all week that it would be a 1am or later night. Around lights out I get a message asking to accept a call from a friend back home so I accept it. The call lasts for more than an hour and ends with me very grumpy and upset. Not much got done and I’m pushing close to the point of sleep or sunrise.

I write a long list of hour by hour must do activities for the morning. To many important things for an all nighter.

So I binge watch brain barely on yes solidly open. Thank you netfilx for the new season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt but why does it take you a year to put a new season up (one weekend to watch one year to make more).



I haven’t given pictures in a while but these are pretty cute. Top is my at umass Lowell this weekend goofing around. And the bottom is a pineapple bird I stole from work. Currently it is living in my roommate’s fridge.

Youngin

You look like you’re in high school says a women who knows I’m on her pay roll. I am 20, in four months I will be of legal drinking age and in nine months I will have finished college with a bachelors in science.
I do not feel like I look like a child.

I walk with confidence, I work year round while being committed to school, Greek life and family obligations.

Three years out of high school and this stranger makes me feel the need to grow and age and make it clear that I am beyond that.

Before seeing my resume. Before getting to know me. One glance and I’ve almost completely been overlooked. My third summer working full time for the same amazing people who all used to know me.

I have youth in my face that means in two years I will still be carded everywhere I go by people who see me as a youngin.

Slacking

I have not been as active as I want to be on the site. I got the flu which really took a toll on me I was stuck in bed for four days and missed two full days of classes. I am struggling in school playing catch up and trying to avoid a break down.

I was an adult earlier this week and called my dentist. Spring break will have a teeth cleaning and may be the removal of some wisdom teeth. I hope not though. I want to keep my wisdom teet for never have I ever purposes.

I have sent loads of texts and emails trying to figure out my life. Where will I work this summer? Can I still pass all my classes? When are your office hours? The usual stuff

Water

Plastic

Land use

Over population

Things I worry about every day in my major. I read studies, watch documentuaries and talk to peers about the sick sad sham of a planet that we live on. I’m starting to care less and less. The theory that this may just be a simular like the matrix is a thought that helps me get through my days.

How metta would it be if a movie like the matrix was a near accurate example of reality. It would make reality tv something of a documentary. A historical snapshot of life in the sim. A strange way to thing but a convient way to avoid all the problems that are present.

Refresh

It is the final stretch for the fall semester here at URI. I am saying goodbyes and fixing papers because i did not have real finals this year. I have a really ruff schedule for next semester but I can somehow do it because I believe I can and will compromise where needed to make the 19 credits of all science work. two soils classes, herpetology, grad level publishing sci. finding and wildlife bio metrics. The 6 of them will not be the death of me. I gave myself a “paper cut” on the pinky finger I am hesitant to call it a paper cut because it was from a metal dry erase board in my room.

I have had  a pretty good semester but did not do a very good job of documenting it here because the not so good parts I purposely omitted and that caused me to avoid writing a lot of the time. There are other outlets I have been expressing myself in like crafting my clothing into obscure reference graphic T;s a project I have been thoroughly enjoying. (Than goodness i know how to iron sew and use puff paint)

This break for me is going to be a time to refresh my self. start forming good habits again and really get prepped for the crazy time that is to follow the rest. I am also looking into buying a used car that must be narrow!

It is just about time for me to figure out new new years resolutions and reflect on the old ones. I can only remember a few of them which makes me think I failed but I will review that next weekish.

Till I write again good luck on finals or school or life if that is what best applies to your situation. You can do it the holiday is almost here.

Life Altering

This week Has been so crazy I had two major essays, a final exam and two presentations. I am now one project away from this semester being over, I hope to bang out my GIS assignment tomorrow after work. I go home on the 19th but for now I get to stay on campus and watch how my load is significantly lighter than other people’s.

Like everyone else I procrastinate and maybe it is the time of year or my desperate need keep growing and expanding as a person but eithe way my procrastination findings this week have really settled with me.

The top three I want to talk about in order of shortest to longest time consumption.

  1. shortest. While scrolling through facebook I started watching a video which linked to another and another and before I knew it I lost twenty minutes of my life but four minutes of it really effected me. 
     here is the link to a video called my pill journey. I have felt really depressed sometimes this year and it makes me feel so alone to a point where sometimes I have panic attacks if too many people are around me. It is so hard to talk about this because I really want to forget and let it go away. This video made me feel for people who are searching for the solution to their feelings and I have not gotten to a point of needing drugs to get by but “there are good days and bad days and really bad days”- which is something I took away from the video
  2. A short game I played through on steam. It was free and recommended because I liked life is strange and want to play undertale. So a strong story, single player choose your own decision based game called Emily is away was recommended to me. I downloaded it with out asking many questions. The game is a instant messaging simulator that deals with a true way that friendships can play out. I don’t want to spoil it but if you have a half hour to play a really cool Indy game and walk down memory land (2002 comes flashing back when the game launches the windows XP sound) play it or watch play through. emily is away
  3. One of the RA’s in my building who knows the kind of music I like because he likes the same genre will recommend bands to me. He recently asked if I knew the band Tokyo police club.  A band I knew the name of because they were on tour with Said the Whale last year when I was in love with them but now that I am listening to TPC, it feels like my heart has opened up a little wider to make room for this new band to be up there with the front bottoms and modern baseball. I love music that has a cool sound and brings meaning to me. I have to hear TPC more before I can off handedly quote them but it’s rapidly growing on me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPej7JaKcjc 

There is a decent chance that this is the last Fall I spend in RI and that is crazy to think about so I try not to. How have you been distracting yourself and what amazing life changing material have you found? Please share I would love to keep expanding my repertoire.

snapchat

This is an opinion based piece so I am just going to quickly rant my thoughts.

snap

I am the kind of person that is reluctant to technology. I have an iphone 4s and wish i had the dumb phone most days. The biggest reason I do not go back (that are for me and not for the appeal of others) is snapchat. As far as social media goes I have a facebook, twitter, pintrest and snap. I only use Snap and FB, I also do not have the facebook app on my phone meaning if on the go to check facebook I have to go through safari meaning most of the time I did not need it. Switching away from the biggest social media influence in my life has been liberating but I still feel tied down.

Snap chat is different. to me it is fast fun and like being a witty artist. I laugh and love and have fun with snap chat. I will not always feel that way but for now (and the last 10 months) I have enjoyed this app. I am bringing this up because a friend told me I snap too much which threw me off. I send a few a day but they only go to the top 7 and my recent list most of the time. Meaning that the majority of my “snap friends” only get my story and about one snap a month.

If you want to really hurt my feelings unfriend me on snap chat. that is the equivalent to burning the thing I most love. I know it is late and I am being dramatic but I wanted to post something and this has been a topic on my mind recently.

How often do you guys snap? are there other apps that you like better?