Category Archives: poems

Colors

This week a very close friend lost a family member and I found myself in need to express my emotions in writing.

I am sharing a poem.

 

Black and white

Black and White;
The abundance of all color and the lack of any color
The beginnings and the ends.
When a couple gets married a brides dress is white
The lack of color.
The blank slate for the couple embarking into the next phase of life.
When a family is grieving they dress in black,
The funeral is filled with dark colors
The black summing up all else.
The loss of a family member,
Taking the dynamic and pulling out the carpet
Everything that had been before now shifted at the least
And fully knocked over or broken for others
Community brought together for the best of times and the worst of times
The conditions so different
The people so similar
Cheers to fresh starts
And grievances to starting over.

K

So this morning I texted k as a response and was chewed out for it. In my mind it’s not a bad response but to some it really is. So in the way I like to rant about reclaiming words (vagina monologues flash backs) I’m writing about reclaiming k. 

K is for kisses shared between love red

And k as in keep: me near. Keep: my secrete. Keep: in touch.

Kind to self, to others and he way I would clèchely describe a good heart.

For kinky bold choices in the bedroom. On a king sized mattress or twin or not on a bed at all .

Knowing you are right or knowing it is right to admit you were wrong.

Keys to unlock doors and unlock success. To eliminate the barrier between protected and available resources.

K

K

Knock out gorgeous k.

So while writing this I learned that way more words start with c than k and I realize I need to know that I am not correct and learn from my mistakes. The way that I have been desensitized the the c word from doing vagina monologues doesn’t make it okay for me to go around using it when the rest of my peers find it offensive.

Something good

Something good tonight made me forget about you and I.

Instriments

-AltJ

Last night I honestly could not focus anymore. I had been avoiding my work load and my social life a bit too. So I started to crumble the way an old building will without maitanace.

I wanted and needed different things so mentally my compromise was to seek comfort however I could get it.

Post binge watching scripted reality tv feeling more lost and less fulfilled I made a call. To a guy who I knew would answer.  On the second ring I heard a gruff hey!

I nearly started crying I just wanted to hear him talk. To wish he were near enough to hug and kiss. To tuck me in and wipe away my inevitable tears.

The distance of about twenty miles seperated our bodies but our voices were in the same conversation. I found comfort in his whispers and imagined him behind me in the silence. As if standing in the other room or right behind me. Out of sight but not out of mind.

I love him for the good things and forgive him for the rest. I have so little in my daily life that I see as good because I overlook the little things. The moments in the phone feeling connected, or when a stranger sees your bad ass par core, or when you know the answer to a question. The little things are something but they may need to be my everything.

Trans

With this week being gay pride in NYC many colleges are celebrating. URI had a guest speaker tonight on the topic of being gay in the middle east. This is super relevant to my life of late because a friend from high school past away last week. 8 days ago Sam was alive and 6 days ago they were not.

We have not spoken in a few years the time between me matriculation high school and me graduating it. But on Saturday night while huddle with a unlit candle and 10% of my graduating class I was moved to speak about a time I shared with Sam.

My memory of being oblivious to the social pressures of public school, the way I was not lost because I was not going to any real destination yet. And the way Sam had a plan and the confidence to back it up.

We were in a film class together but I say that loosely, I was in a film class and Sam decided to audit one day and then all the following days that semester. We put together an outlandish short film that would later be shown at a local viewing for student short films.

Sam welcomed all and everyone had so much love for sam. Everyone there all sixty or so of us unified by so little but in that  moment held together so strongly in support.

 

I am leaving a link to the foundation in Sam’s honor, Pleas take a look it is worth the time and money if you feel the desire to donate to a good cause.

 

http://www.samdevorah.org/

Friends and rankings

I totally forgot about this week so here is something I pulled off my phone

I used to rank friends in a binary system.
1 were people I could see being invited to my wedding
(in the distant future.)
And 0 were the ones who would not.
But the older I get the smaller I imagine my milestone get togethers.
I now find ranking friends on a dart board style system works better.
Each time I reevaluate the darts can land in a new place
and there are so few places for people in the center most rings.
I hate being this sad but I have to embrace it for a while.
I go home for spring break sat. AM
have a good week

Sick

I just want to quickly sum up the horror of this week

I have been sick from Friday night till now.

It has been everything from chills to hallucination in my bed with a temperature of 102 F.

I have taken hot showers and cold showers trying to feel normal again.

Carried a blanket and worn pj’s to the dining hall

I have slept more than 12 hours a day and still am not better.

It has been a ruff week leading up to a weekend of playing ketchup.

Get better

This is the song I wanna get better covered by Against the Current and the Ready Set

This song is helping me get through recently.

I have been sleeping 8 hours a night,

Drinking water

Eating healthy

Reading for class

Snacking on veggies

Staying awake for all the activities

Days that run 15-16 hours with few moments of chill

I am doing all I can to be better

The best me I can be

But I do not feel any better.

How much longer do I need to try

Before I see the results?

Upward Swing

I don’t want to say that I reached rock bottom but the beginning of the week was way worse than now. Coming back this week on Sunday I had a ruff night even though I left behind 2.5 feet of snow in NJ I was not treated as well as I should have been by a long time friend. Then Monday I had a little outburst at two girls and yesterday I was reasured by the guy who wasn’t nice to apologize for that outburst and that helped make both relationships better.  Obvi not perfect but great progress.

Poem

Nothing is perfect

Life is close to falling apart

I can barely breath

Gasping for air

An abundant substance

Just out of reach

Drowning under

The Pressure

Of the life I have made

A blackened chicken scratch book

Of all the to do lists

That I can not do.

 

Hope your week is going well, the day for me was brightened by a simple IOS update becoming available to me 9.2

🙂 so much more tempting than 8.4

 

 

 

 

 

 

postpone

I have finally started classes meaning that I am a Junior at URI. I am very excited for the restoration ecology class where we will have a real client and field trips to a site that is seeking restoration. I am not feeling very happy recently but I have sought out help so soon that should not be the feeling. this week I have been keeping a morning pages journal so i wake up a little early and spend fifteen minutes doing free write before I get up and start my day. This weeks post will be a poem I wrote for morning pages.

POSTPONE

things used to be different

my attitude was productive

positive

better

But recently life has changed

the priorities of actions are shuffled

so sleep and waste time

come before read and work out

I am resting

and not producing

I am sad

and not sure why

life is strange

time will make it better

or so I keep saying

for now

I snooze

again and again

until I must get up

and cannot postpone another minute.

Lets hope things get better soon and my alarm can avoid the repeated snoozing. till next week-Rachel

String

Yesterday was my first day off in a while and I totally lived it up, Two insanity work outs, painted nails and toes, went to the beach played video games and got to see my good friend Mary. I will have work today but late morning start so I got to sleep in and cook and video game some more. I found out about a Tove Lo concert that I will buy tickets for soon and it looks like Kyle and Courtney will accompany me. (Lets hope Kyle and I are good by October.) I work so much I have no time to go out shopping for clothes or food or anything which means the internet is my store, I have not really bought much though just video game downlodes and concert tickets. I value experiences more than physical things. I am seriously trying to accumulate less things and live a life not tied down to things.

This week I am putting up an excerpt paragraph of how I was feeling a few months ago. It is not perfect I have tried to fix it but I don’t want to lose the meaning I was going for when I was feeling down a while back so this mini restoration process has not been easy. I guess it’s a poem.

STRING

My love life has been composed of a long string of short relationships, the string has been cut and frayed from living a brash youthful life. With each new start there is a spark from the inner fire that has not lasted long enough to catch the whole thing into ablaze. There are tears that cool down when the heat is picking up. The flood comes from the ending that was unseen and abruptly smothers the spark into a soggy sad string left in a puddle. The string may not be the strongest anymore but it is kept though not necessarily useful. New experiences, new people  they give me hope that there will be a reason I carry all the small string with me in my heart and my head and my bones. It does not weigh me down the way it used to. One day I may find a string that can kindle a camp fire or be knit into a sweater. The idea of good string excites me, future strings ones that could be long all the ones that are mysterious and carry unknown amounts of potential, that could tie together the sad small pieces that I have already they are the end goal. Live a life of string long enough to make new and salvage some of the old.