I need face the facts, I cannot do everything. This means that while working twelve hours a day five or six days a week I am not finding myself the needed time to sleep leave alone write. This week was my payment for the renewal of my domain name. With out really thinking about it the payment was automatically charged to my card and I own Rachel Recaps.com for 13 more months. This should be more exciting to me, but as it has been clear to see the quality and regularity of my posting has taken a decline. This is largely in part due to the working 70 hours a week thing but I also have lost most of my drive to creative free write.
I would love to take some time and unplug and gather my thoughts but that is not even right. Due to my job and it’s expectations there is not much time for me to be on a phone or computer(unless you count the register computer but I don’t like to.) I get a sliver of the best of each world. I am required to be off the grid most of my waking hours but forced to look at the screen of a touchable computer.
Today I had off and needed to make multiple phone calls about graduating, and travel plans none of which went the way I had hoped. The way I took my mind off this seeming failure was baking and now hating myself for eating so many cupcakes. Six down a dozen left to decorate and devour by others. I then went to the beach with a friend until we got rained out.
For dinner I needed to get out of the house and decided to leave my phone out of the picture. I walked to the local Italian place where I had to wait 20 minutes for garlic knots. During the walk I thought about how much I do not notice my surroundings, I bike past this path every day for work but never look for new details. Waiting for my food to be cooked I pulled out my laptop and typed up this post. I don’t know what is best for me or those around me. I really do try my best to work and save and not have a break down. The issue is in my pursuit to work I am loosing track of everything else. My family never talks to me and that is my own doing. I turn 21 in a few days but not even that is really exciting to me. Upcoming events that are huge feel so distance and the daily grind feel like it will continue forever when in sad reality the days are numbered.
I am happy with my level of being off the grid. I know it is largely due to the whole work thing but going abroad there is a high chance I will not have my phone doing the things it currently does( Calls and texts) I would love to see more messages from the people I always text first but that isn’t what is making me sad recently. I am in a good place and that is much better than I can say sometimes.
Typing on my computer filled a void I hadn’t realized was there. I may be taking some time to be sporadic with posting. But also with writing I have a project in mind that would not likely be shared due to it’s content being too close to me. So I may be writing offline for a while. No one will really read this but one day when I go back and look at it the way one reminisces over a diary ill know I could have done better. So past Rachel is apologizing for future Rachel- just know I am pretty much always trying my best but hind sight can be 20/20.