I decided to just type and see where it would go. This turned out much better than forcing myself to write about a topic. I am thrilled to have my fingers moving swiftly and have the front bottoms playing in my headphones while I write. I would love feedback Please leave comments if you can 🙂
I am the kind of person that makes lists. So many lists, to do for long and short term what I dream to accomplish the order of events, the names of people and things I have in my head that need to be remembered later. The funny thing about the lists I write is they are almost never realistic.
Last week I found a list labeled weekend to do that had thirty five items all ranked with point values depending on how much I did not want to do them. So the easy ones like shower and dinner were only worth one point but the hard things like term paper and run with a pack of wild dogs were worth five. (I know that the wolfs would be way too hard to find so in the margin there was a comment -2 points for doing it alone..)
Looking at that bullet point on my list really made me want to alter the minus to a plus. I have such a hard time doing things alone by choice that there should have been bonus points for putting myself out there with no barrier. a simple vertical pen stroke fixed my earlier error in calculating value. I value companionship so much that I have developed the skill of making ‘friends’ easily but I can not keep them which makes me question what they were to me.
What makes an acquaintance a friend? Where is the line dividing people you know and people you hang with? It’s not a science like chemistry where the equation is simple and numeric (Chemistry makes sense, not that every experiment will be perfect but there are clear reasons for the error.) People are complex and have infinite variables. I have been blindsided by a few people a year since I became an adult. Yet I do not seem to know when I have a friend that will be in my photo albums growing old side by side and when I have a person to set up my apple TV. Devaluing people by referring to them as Tinder insert name, or my tech guy definitely does not help my case. I care about those guys so much but it is easy for me to compartmentalize them.
I have been left feeling rather drained but there is such a need to keep up appearances. So the more hurt I get the more of a wall is built between me and the world. Everyone else has a wall up almost constantly but mine is a newer development and is easier to bypass. The wall between my inner life and the stranger next to me is as weak as the pig that built his house out of straw.
I want to let people in but I am getting exhausted from being rejected, used and abandoned. I can admit that a girl was the beginning of my insecurity and the most recent person to really care and then cut me loose was a girl. I can’t say they all are because that would not be true but there is no one that can be required to stay. And you can not make a person like you, you just try to be yourself and hope that is good enough for someone to like that goof ball. But with my past I now want security.
DTR is an abbreviation I have clung to from the day I learned it about five years ago. Define The Relationship. such a beautiful ideal, “what are we?” a question that has boiled out so many fake people who I kept as company for a short time.
-I Started to read what I wrote and was about to cry from how sad I am so I will be stopping here sorry that it’s a weird fragment of an idea but you never know what free write will bring you.
p.s. I found this song recently and the line “Just enough to get my feet wet but not enough to let me drown.” might be my semester anthem. but the whole first section really hits me truly. (It is not a happy upbeat song but most of what I listen to isn’t so right up my ally. Thanks spotify for knowing me)