Monthly Archives: January 2016

Upward Swing

I don’t want to say that I reached rock bottom but the beginning of the week was way worse than now. Coming back this week on Sunday I had a ruff night even though I left behind 2.5 feet of snow in NJ I was not treated as well as I should have been by a long time friend. Then Monday I had a little outburst at two girls and yesterday I was reasured by the guy who wasn’t nice to apologize for that outburst and that helped make both relationships better.  Obvi not perfect but great progress.

Poem

Nothing is perfect

Life is close to falling apart

I can barely breath

Gasping for air

An abundant substance

Just out of reach

Drowning under

The Pressure

Of the life I have made

A blackened chicken scratch book

Of all the to do lists

That I can not do.

 

Hope your week is going well, the day for me was brightened by a simple IOS update becoming available to me 9.2

🙂 so much more tempting than 8.4

 

 

 

 

 

 

Free Write

I decided to just type and see where it would go. This turned out much better than forcing myself to write about a topic. I am thrilled to have my fingers moving swiftly and have the front bottoms playing in my headphones while I write. I would love feedback Please leave comments if you can 🙂

 

1-21-16

I am the kind of person that makes lists. So many lists, to do for long and short term what I dream to accomplish the order of events, the names of people and things I have in my head that need to be remembered later. The funny thing about the lists I write is they are almost never realistic.

Last week I found a list labeled weekend to do that had thirty five items all ranked with point values depending on how much I did not want to do them. So the easy ones like shower and dinner were only worth one point but the hard things like term paper and run with a pack of wild dogs were worth five. (I know that the wolfs would be way too hard to find so in the margin there was a comment -2 points for doing it alone..)

Looking at that bullet point on my list really made me want to alter the minus to a plus. I have such a hard time doing things alone by choice that there should have been bonus points for putting myself out there with no barrier. a simple vertical pen stroke fixed my earlier error in calculating value. I value companionship so much that I have developed the skill of making ‘friends’ easily but I can not keep them which makes me question what they were to me.

What makes an acquaintance a friend? Where is the line dividing people you know and people you hang with? It’s not a science like chemistry where the equation is simple and numeric (Chemistry makes sense, not that every experiment will be perfect but there are clear reasons for the error.) People are complex and have infinite variables. I have been blindsided by a few people a year since I became an adult. Yet I do not seem to know when I have a friend that will be in my photo albums growing old side by side and when I have a person to set up my apple TV. Devaluing people by referring to them as Tinder insert name, or my tech guy definitely does not help my case. I care about those guys so much but it is easy for me to compartmentalize them.

I have been left feeling rather drained but there is such a need to keep up appearances. So the more hurt I get the more of a wall is built between me and the world. Everyone else has a wall up almost constantly but mine is a newer development and is easier to bypass. The wall between my inner life and the stranger next to me is as weak as the pig that built his house out of straw.

I want to let people in but I am getting exhausted from being rejected, used and abandoned. I can admit that a girl was the beginning of my insecurity and the most recent person to really care and then cut me loose was a girl. I can’t say they all are because that would not be true but there is no one that can be required to stay. And you can not make a person like you, you just try to be yourself and hope that is good enough for someone to like that goof ball. But with my past I now want security.

DTR is an abbreviation I have clung to from the day I learned it about five years ago. Define The Relationship. such a beautiful ideal, “what are we?” a question that has boiled out so many fake people who I kept as company for a short time.

 

 

-I Started to read what I wrote and was about to cry from how sad I am so I will be stopping here sorry that it’s a weird fragment of an idea but you never know what free write will bring you.

p.s. I found this song recently and the line “Just enough to get my feet wet but not enough to let me drown.” might be my semester anthem. but the whole first section really hits me truly. (It is not a happy upbeat song but most of what I listen to isn’t so right up my ally. Thanks spotify for knowing me)

 

Powerball

I like to think that I genuinely try to live a simple life. But with all the buzz recently around the largest power ball jackpot ever I must admit that I got excited. Not because I thought I was going to have a winning ticket leave alone THE winning ticket. And so now as I can not fall asleep I thought why not check your numbers.

To my not at all shocked slight disappointment the winner is a person in California and that meant me and my dad and all the friends who I know that bought their first power ball ticket just like me on the east coast would not be billionaires.

I have to double check but as far as I can tell I did not even win the $4 which would have been a approximate 1 in 35 chance instead of 1 in 250million. I must say it still was kind of fun.

I knew the odds were never in my favor but that was beside the point. Because I also knew it was fun to dream. I had a few very good conversations with my dad about what we would do and how we would use the winnings. We both played on seperate cards and recognized 1.5 billion before taxes u such a crazy amount that would be better invested by avoiding the 900 million lump sum before tax.

My dad wanted after the obvious things (like bulls cars houses and education.) to invest in real estate for low income family’s to rent for affordable prices. An apparat ment complex in NYC, Detroit, California and maybe one in Texas. The extended family would be offered rent free living in one of our places if they desired.

I wanted to start a fun for menstril cups to get to girls in developing countries. It would be like handing out unlimited tampons but that are sustainable because they are not a single use product. (Legistics would be worked out. Both dad and I would still want to work in some capacity to keep ourselves entertained.

I liked the idea of stumbling into so much wealth we did not know what to do with it. And not the whole conversation was light. We went into what would happen to old friends who wanted money from us and how about people who only like us for the money. I got to wallow at the loss of some people I thought were great and where as my dad would sue the posers and fake posse I would leave them alone or try to get them help. I don’t want to burn bridges and in some ways having that kind of money high tend those feelings. Would you ever be able to make new friends? I would sure talk to stranges still bit my world would be beyond diffrent. Would I stop looking at price tags? And who would keep me grounded? Until next time I buy a ticket like that I won’t even have to wonder.

In leaving is a quote slightly off topic but relevant to other parts of my life at this moment.

May the truth set you free-john 8:32

No matter how far you are bent-tfb

Throw Back Thursday

Okie Dokie first post of 2016, I have been working seriously on myself and it honestly has not been amazingly easy. I was mislead by a simplified list, 15 steps that would be my soul search. I have been distancing from some, growing closer to others, cleaning and sorting and most of all trying to stick to my word.

In the process of cleaning my room (Step 5 organize my life) I found tons of things that I wrote years ago, some had purpose with labels, my old geometry or health ed notebook. but some were completely random scraps and they had the most meaning to me. This week I will be putting up a short blurb that I wrote in 6th grade for a free write assignment. It is nothing extraordinary but I think it is cute and shows a writing process that I had nine years ago.

My Missing Books

Once on an average weekend in September my family went to Bay Head. I took my school work with me but managed to lose it.

I though “Where could it be?” In the messy cluttered house, the car or did I leave it in my locker? I had no idea.

I said “I hope it’s in the car. ” So i decided to look there first. soon my mother brothers and I were whipping things into bags, food , garbage and toss out. Sadly I was not there it was not there. not even hidden under the car seats.

I started to cry, feeling the tears rolling down my face slowly dribbling. all was going blurry. All I could think was i could fail Language Arts.

Later that night we found it on the living room table. I was very happy I was jumping for joy. A free write assignment and I knew exactly what to write about.

So there are scraps of what I wrote all those years ago that are still extremely relevant today. and on the note of TBT I want to put up a video of my brother who helped me in the story. He wraps for hobby and there is referencing me and my job. The song is called milestone by Gently Violent and the link is posted below. I hope you enjoy .