I have been doing so much recently with the first full week of the fall 2015 semester almost over I am finding myself doing a lot and accomplishing no sense of accomplishment.
Tonight I had two amazing classes, a sorority event where I got to dress up and afterwards attend an open mic. I got back to my suit beautiful on the outside and torn to shreds on the inside. To the point where the simple comment you look beautiful made me cry. I used to believe that if i felt like shit but dressed really well no one would ask if I were struggling but the hiding did not make my problems go away, in fact I drew more attention to myself at a time where I really wanted to be left alone. I had another suit mate tell me how privileged I am that I have first world problems which I do.
If my biggest problems are feeling alone, missing my family all of 250 miles away and not being able to decide to upgrade or downgrade my iphone I am doing very well. I have the funds to get on a train and go home if I ever just needed to be away from here for a weekend. I am only alone in my head. And I can do so much with an iphone, more than I need more than I want. So by doing nothing I am doing perfectly well.
I have all my basic needs taken care of. I live in a very nice building, have access to unlimited food and running water. I am getting an education at a university that I chose for myself and really loved when I came here. I keep comparing my current standing with my past standing which is not fair due to the fact that all memories are distorted and being sad now is not making me happy in the near future.
Yesterday I donated blood and was reminded to B positive. (my blood type B+) I was able to forgive someone from my past and make new drama with old friends. I have almost no idea what I really want in a longer than this week span. I need to find the new and exciting things for me instead of following in the footsteps of a girl who was happy and confident and is now lost and unsure of herself.
I don’t think I want to stop blogging but I don’t think I need to continue. So this forum may (it will most likely) become much more free form. I need to sleep and smile and keep going but that may not mean keep going the way I thought I was going to.
Next post will be who knows when but it should happen so Thanks for reading. and if you are feeling lost or down or what not just think you have it so good, you get to read jibberish and may just like me have a quite privileged life.