Monthly Archives: August 2015

Aug nails

 I guess I didn’t do that much this month with my nails. I had work all the time and to be honest it has really worn me down. But here are the ones I have saved on my phone 

  
   

   
    

So this is the end of summer and the next nails post will have all the back to school and fun things for fall can start. 

Best time for bad news

I have always been a morning person so for me i have never much appreciated receiving bad news bright and early in the morning. But even worse is receiving bad news minutes before going to sleep. I will stay up and wallow in my sadness because I refuse to go to sleep in a bad mood.

This morning I woke up to some unpleasant news that didn’t really surprise me as much as I would like to say it had. I do not want to go into specifics because that could make my whole situation worse.

I am a nice person or at least I keep insisting to the little voice in my head that I am. I went through a year that was not easy for me but it was not easy for anyone I knew. I want to start over and be a better Rachel which I have been trying to do, I reach out to people I care about in hopes that they would do the same. I work full time do not smoke or drink or do anything illegal. I sleep at least few hours a night and read books to better myself. I have gotten over so much the petty stuff that was unhealthy to hold onto. My music preference is no longer top 40. I still may not love myself but I do make choices that I strongly stand by at the tie so I can justify all my actions in the future. I am a confident individual and that is not something most people my age can say.

If I have to break bad news to a person I think mid day (after lunch) would be the best time. That way for the morning people they have already gotten through the productive time of day and for the night owls at least there is a few hour buffer for them to do what is needed and still have a decent night. If your reading this and want to tell me something now you know when the best time of day is for me.

Sorry this rant was kind of terrible but I needed to write it out and it may be deleted soon but I want it to be part of my blog diary.

Ct vacation

I was amazingly happy to get two and a half days off work so I could visit 7ft tall Ryan in conneticut. I had a great trip packed with good company and ice cream. Sorry this is so short I just remembered I had I do this but I also have work tomorrow and feel very sick so I need to get some sleep. I promise to post something before next Thursday. 

short story

I have been having a really nice summer, I got over a guy and now think it’s funny how i used to get worked up about things that I can now see mean nothing. As for work I am moving up and going on vacation next week (Fingers crossed you will get a post about that) And I got to have a beyond amazing day in NYC with Julia the writer girl.

I have not been writing much at all this summer and have no valid reason for it. last night I was talking with a person from my past who sent me a short story of theirs and it was so good I was inspired to finish a story of my own.

This was mostly written in april and does not have a name yet.

Enjoy my short story 🙂

I buy my favorite foods in bulk when I can afford to. The way I see it is if I like potato chips with barbaq Sauce today I will like them tomorrow and many days to follow. So I go on these kicks and binge a food the way my piers binge a show on netflix. Sometimes my cravings are more healthy than others the chips were pretty low for me but far easier to keep than the time I most desired cumquats (these small orange like fruits that dipped in honey are a delicacy.) Food that needs special care: refrigeration, darkness, something else, Are difficult because of human restrictions of space in a shared loft apartment. Financially buying in bulk for food that will all get eaten only makes sense. My boyfriend did not always understand the way I shop.

I remember the first few times we went food shopping he would tell me that I did not need things. As if I was a child making a fuss for a new coloring book when in fact I am an adult who just wants to buy my cheese it’s five pounds at a time. I have the money to front because in the long run it is economical. I calculated it out, in a single year the bulk purtcheses combined with coupons will save more than enough for the two of us to go out for a nice dinner. The very first time I was told that I did not need to buy a pound of junk food I had been pushing the cart. I stopped giving a small pull to abruptly make the cart closer to me than Stephan was. “Excuse me how do you know what I need.” I said outraged at the assumptions that were made from his comment.

The ile was nearly empty just us and a soccer mom picking up fruit snacks (a food that I had over done a few weeks back and still had some pouches in the apartment for when my niece came over) Stephan just thought, stood dumb struck at the idea that I was not joking and would be keeping the weighted items in my cart. “I don’t even want to ask.” He said with a small sigh.
I wanted to hash it out right there because this would be a problem if no one took the effort to smooth things over. I am over weight but almost all Americans are and there is no shame in my love handles. I knew that sigh was the end of the discussion for now and in a way hoped forever.
The first time Stephan and I threw a party I was obviously on snack duty. We hosted in the loft and my at the time roommate Mara decorated and picked up the roll of DJ. This time Stephan did not accompany my to the cosco. For a house party of any notable size I knew coupons would not be enough it was time to break into the whole sale department. I filled a massive cart with party mixs and chips dip and bowls and when I though I was done grabbed a 32 roll toilet paper for the price of a supermarket 9 pack. Stephan was at the door when I parked together we unloaded the bags upon bags of goodies that cost me more than I will mention. It’s crazy how alone all the items are a bargain but together they add up to a hefty bill. Mara asked if I remembered to get garbage cans for the inevitable after party clean up. How could I have forgotten which meant another trip to the store a hastle to most but a thrill to me. Shopping of all kinds made me happy in no way was I extreme about it in couponing or shopaholic status but when needed I knew even window shopping at a cute boutique would lift my spirits. My imagination filled in how good I could look wearing the clothes the will never fit me. And how good the food would taste in my vet growing stomach. Stores were my escape from home.
So Stephan and I went to a drugstore where there was all the essentials an not much else. I jokingly put two pounds of gummy candy in the basket and a puppet that looked like Elmo from Sesomy  Street but was not properly sewed along his right arm and therefor looked disformed. At the checkout I was surprised that Stephan paid for the garbage bags and candy then asked the cashier to put the Elmo back on the shelf. “Thank you for picking these up with me”.
“Well I don’t see how we can have a party without assorted gummies they are my favorite I can’t believe you remembered.”
 I didn’t remember I don’t think I had ever been told but now I would never forget assorted gummies would be our food from that time forward.  All the food was set out out around the loft when we arrived with the new additions. The food at first was not for me to nom on but for the guests. Less than an hour in the hunger made me eat. As much as I wanted to have control over something I was limited by my nature, my body, the voice inside my head begging and my conscious denying of the necessity once again loses to a hand full of junk. The sugar and high fructose corn syrup that made up more than half of the gummies I ate with Stephan that night were far from the sweetest part of the night.
 Not all nights with Stephan went so well and it came to a point six months later that we had more bad days than good ones. We broke up and food was no longer my friend. The first thing I ate after the split was half a hard boiled egg, I wanted to throw up but my roommate was watching me and we both knew I had to eat something. I have never much liked my eggs hard boiled but Mara cooks them by the dozen as a simple lunch so they were the only eggs in the house. I was being childish starving myself because one boy who I could have loved decide he could no longer put up with me. “Mara” I said in between waves of crying to the point of hiccups “could you find all the assorted gummies in the loft and put them in a bag”
Mara at that point in time would have done anything she could to make me feel better “if you finish your egg I can do that.” I agreed to finish it and as soon as she went to my room I threw the yellow center ou the window with a fair amount of moist white part still attached.
Mara returned to me with a bountiful plastic bag “what would you like to do with all these?” she asked in the I am conserved for you voice.
“I haven’t quite decided either put them in the microwave then mail them to Stephan with his toothbrush and clothes or burn it all. Either way I don’t want to see it.”
“Do you have any idea where you could burn things? I don’t think either of us even owns a lighter.” That was true what were two girls who did not smoke going to do with a lighter. The pilot on our thermostat was the landlords responsibility and the two or three time a year we had birthday candles the stove too was needed to light the first candle.
“We can buy lighters as adults it’s like a constitutional right.”
“When did that get pushed pass legislation?”
“After right to bear arms, it’s probably in the fine print.”
Mara who had been so monotone breaks into laughter now. I wasn’t trying to be funny “it makes sence though. Fire arms” pun intended.
“I think we can either throw them out or call to see if he wants them. It’s just an easier course of actions.”
I know Mara is right but I can’t call him yet. This boy has my heart and until I grow a new one talking to him will hurt me too bad. So Mara calls for me and ends up going behind my back to return his stuff and retrieve mine. If she had not gotten back my favorite cardigan I may not have noticed but I know that it was at his house. It still smelled like him. My favorite cute not so little black cardi could have been used to find Stephan using a trained smelling dog. I don’t really know why that bothered me the amount it did but it lead to a fight that pushed Mara to move out.
With no roommate and no boyfriend I was fat and poor and miserable. No one would ever want this sad shell of a person left in the wake of their own stubbornness. I worked at the super market and ate almost nothing for more than a month. These actions resulted in me losing 15 pounds with out really trying. I took my time to get over the hatred of all people now there are internet friends who keep me company in the small hours of the morning. We need to fix ourself before letting others in.
Knowing the fact is not ebough. To act on the self improvement I have been donating my extra snacks because I have no we’d for that amount if food. For the time being I am feeling alone but soon it will be different a girl from Craig’s list will chose me. And boy may think I’m a good match but most of all Mara may be my friend again some day and or now that is the biggest relationship goal I need to focus on.

20

I will do a better version of this post on Thursday. But I just got out of work and want to let the internet know that I am 20. I won’t have a teen at the end of my age for another 93 years if ever again. I need to thank my mom. 20 years ago was not as great for her as it was for me her gave birth to her first child and I have spent every day thinking about her and seeing her most of them (minus the college part) I have lived and am young enough to think I will live long enough to double my time so far in 20 years I will be a diffrent person loosely rooted to the women I am today and these posts will be the sweetest glances of how I was then.

Thanks for reading the last year and a half have been fun and may there be many more years to follow.