I have been lying

This was the last day of classes but I do not feel like anything is over for me. I can not go home for another six weeks because I have an unpaid, un-credited internship in Rhode Island where I will have to work a real job to afford to live, it is all very adult and a bit scary.

Tonight I am going to the Avengers 2 movie, I did my nails for it and i know this should be a nails week but I have not done much so I am going to do a short excerpt of my camp nano from this month. (I wrote my 10K in 12 days with out really trying it’s crazy how feelings can make the creative juices flow.)

This is called I have been lying.

I have been lying to myself because the truth and what I wanted were not the same thing. I have been telling myself that we were good for each other. But now that you have made me think about all the reasons we are not I can see the truth. The situation that you presented me with left much to be desired. I thought that because you showed support as my friend that was the same thing as liking me. I convinced myself that I loved you or at least nearly loved you. All on the basis of you did not want to see me fail. In my head the world is a place I perceived as cynical even though in my experience there is no reason for me to think that. I am too self-centered for you, my wit is not appreciated, and the little wondrous things that make me me are the things that you disliked the most. You could not change me and thankfully knew better than thinking you could. But there was still movement in my person. For you I deleted and tweaked things I did not care much about but obviously I did care some. The first things I did once I was freed from your gentile but restraining control was to download and untweak. Return myself to factory standards the best I could, you marked me up in temporary way things that will heal, you left your notch on my belt and I did the same for you. There will be nothing left to keep us close now no matter how much you think there will be. All interactions will come with an awkward force and over a short span of time become easier to just not see each other. The consequences of my lyng hurt me more than anyone else but the hurt is getting doled out all around. There were divisions I have made based around you and the past is a fixed constant but I from here need to move forward and remember what not to do in the future.

Reading this for grammatical errors was weird I wrote it a few weeks ago and already I feel quite different it makes me grateful that I write to catalog my emotions.


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