This was the last day of classes but I do not feel like anything is over for me. I can not go home for another six weeks because I have an unpaid, un-credited internship in Rhode Island where I will have to work a real job to afford to live, it is all very adult and a bit scary.
Tonight I am going to the Avengers 2 movie, I did my nails for it and i know this should be a nails week but I have not done much so I am going to do a short excerpt of my camp nano from this month. (I wrote my 10K in 12 days with out really trying it’s crazy how feelings can make the creative juices flow.)
This is called I have been lying.
I have been lying to myself because the truth and what I wanted were not the same thing. I have been telling myself that we were good for each other. But now that you have made me think about all the reasons we are not I can see the truth. The situation that you presented me with left much to be desired. I thought that because you showed support as my friend that was the same thing as liking me. I convinced myself that I loved you or at least nearly loved you. All on the basis of you did not want to see me fail. In my head the world is a place I perceived as cynical even though in my experience there is no reason for me to think that. I am too self-centered for you, my wit is not appreciated, and the little wondrous things that make me me are the things that you disliked the most. You could not change me and thankfully knew better than thinking you could. But there was still movement in my person. For you I deleted and tweaked things I did not care much about but obviously I did care some. The first things I did once I was freed from your gentile but restraining control was to download and untweak. Return myself to factory standards the best I could, you marked me up in temporary way things that will heal, you left your notch on my belt and I did the same for you. There will be nothing left to keep us close now no matter how much you think there will be. All interactions will come with an awkward force and over a short span of time become easier to just not see each other. The consequences of my lyng hurt me more than anyone else but the hurt is getting doled out all around. There were divisions I have made based around you and the past is a fixed constant but I from here need to move forward and remember what not to do in the future.
Reading this for grammatical errors was weird I wrote it a few weeks ago and already I feel quite different it makes me grateful that I write to catalog my emotions.
I just had an amazing time at this small concert, New Politics came to URI and with the same crew as 2 weeks ago minus Russ we went out and had an even better time. there is something amazing about the intimacy of a small venue. I have been really stressed and should not be but this show really helped a lot.
Kyle and I are doing better each and every day. We had a bunch of issues that may have been solvable but not under the pressure of the relationship. I am working on being more committed to the things I do when I am in the moment. Thank goodness the school year is almost over. I think I go home in 15 days.
Leaving events when you’re having good time is never optimal. You never want to be the first one to leave. It’s hard to think that if you leave now there may not be another time is good but chances are there will be. Every once in a while the odds are against you and that will be your last time having fun but it still cannot last forever.
I have had so many people leave me one after another to the point where I am one of the few people left. To stay now will be sad but I need to stick it out. Because something in my mind tells me I do. I am too deep to walk away. This was fun, an adventure of sorts but now it is a barren landscape. I am not very happy but I am forced through the motions. I am not all alone and even though I have so many people left with me the top tear is thinning out. The secondary and tertiary sections are overwhelming in size but not necessarily in quality.
Staying till it is no longer fun is not an option we have passed that point so now I remain until either I no longer can or there really is no body else to keep me company. For some reason I think the former will end up being my escape plan.
For now I will sleep on it and in the morning live out yet another day even if it is painful or lonely I will have fun again. The odds are on my side for that.
Sorry that it’s a bid of a downer. I wrote it when Tara my crazy beautiful roommate decided to leave school, I called out of work and we packed her up so once again (for the last 2 weeks of school this time) I have the room all to myself.
This last week has included lots of tears and even more forgiveness. I have a hard time staying mad or upset with people even when I think I should be less than really nice to them. To Tara and Kyle mainly I have been able to forgive one more than the other. The offences are so different one is careless and easier to accept. the other one is emotionally loaded and painful. I realize how vague I am being but it feels like this week I want to be left alone and stare at my wall listening to the front bottoms thinking of my map and pictures of when I was happy. I have been hanging out with people that I desire to know better, Cap and Mdog and 7ft tall Ryan. You three are going to be known to me as the best friends, can we all four of us get together for pictures I would enjoy that expect to be contacted soon.
I have a few pounds of homework huge assignments in every class, I may fail something for real this semster which also makes me want to cry, and listen to the front bottoms. I have more weekend plans for the next three days that I normally have for a whole week. I barely eat and I sleep a tiny bit extra but I am just so far from happy.
I signed up for camp nanowrimo and was placed in an amazing cabin I am on track for my 10K goal considering it is half way through the month and I was already doing some writing I have a valid excuse to write more now. I am putting a short something up this week that I wrote a few days ago for camp.
The Day Before
The day before an experience the chance can go a few ways.
There is the sort if change that is planned for a long expected anticipated and written down on the Calendar in pen. Things like moving to college that is a beautiful new beginning to leave everything and everyone you know to try something new. But that is a sheltered step into a community of peers going through the same life events.
Then there is the unexpected things where one day you can be driving home on local streets the same as any other Tuesday afternoon and out of nearly nowhere comes a child or an animal that you have to hit or drive I to a tree. Neither good options both will change you.
An unexpected happened to me yesterday and I had not seen it coming. A person. Very deer to me will now be rather distant. The good memories together will be enough to bring me to tears.
Last night it rained and this morning is day one after the life changing even. To take things one day at a time, try to not break down, function through until I am actually better. The way you already are. The rain has a way of beginning again the exact thing I now need to do.
I guess its a free form poem extremely raw, written in a moment of emotional feels.
Till next week just keep making it through.
I am writin this on the carried home from a walk the moon concert. It was so cool I went with five friends including Courtney Abbie and Kyle. We went to dinner at a pub called the Abbie and then went over to the venue in providence. We had tickets bought in clumps if two. I was with Courtney and the line to get in was around the city block. On the way to the back four groups of uri friends said hello to me and I picked up some abandoned orange face paint.
All my friends were skeptic all of the paint but I drew on my face and was very happy with my decision. The opener was the grizwalds who were hard to understand but all together pretty good. Part way through the set a security guard checked out tickets and we for to move up it felt like when at the airport you are issued a complimentary first class ticket.
I saw some friends and went over to chat with them till the guy sitting exactaly where I was standing came over, of all the places it had to be right there.
It was a good night
Thanks for reading
A year ago I was doing camp nano wrimo and trying to finish up collin and Jade my 75682 word novel that begun in November of 2013. Today I am not stressing over word count because I decided that life is taking presidence over forced writing. (But with out a doubt I will force myself to do November because it is sacred and I think if I could pull off three years in a row and not fail out of school I must be doing something right.) It is an odd time of the semester, I had a Term paper due today and an Orgo exam. I got to see Kyle my boyfriend and there are moments when I think he is what keeps me grounded. If I was single I probably would be doing camp nano putting together 10K words of short stories and poems to put on the blog later but that won’t make my work any good. I am starting to feel like I should not be writing because there is no drive for me to do it. I read a post yesterday from Julia and it was April 1st so a joke but she was saying there is a feeling like she has to keep up the blog and if I ever do get to that point I will take a break and may truly stop writing.
Today in the radio station (I almost skipped to get some sleep)(I wish sleep were optional) I had a great time getting to blast happy music and sing off key to the front bottoms and other bands. One of the managers told me that I am rather loud and everyone can hear me both singing and my music, they didn’t ask me to change though so it was a shock of embarrassment followed by a comfortable feeling that I am not shouting into a void of oblivion. The radio might have been the best part of my day. either that or knowing the answer to a stats question when called on. Feeling smart is an amazing buzz.
I have signed up for fall classes and they are starting to get serious. 18 credits, 7 of them GIS which has to do with surveying land using a computer. My only gen ed is french lit and it’s an online course. If my housing plans follow through I may have a kitchen at my disposal which means I can make cookies, pizza bagels and french PB&J (which is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is dipped in french toast egg batter then fried it makes the innards gooey and warm, I love them.)
I am going to head to the gym so here is the post for today.
Keep it classy And happy Easter if you celebrate