I have had such a week of ups and downs, I stopped working at Pavilion on Saturday. A sad day where I really had to come to the realization not that summer was over but that I would never see my amazing co workers again. I wish them safe travels back home weather to local homes in new jersey or long distant ones of Tiland and Slavacia I will miss that gang of fast food serving young folks they were the only people I really interacted with this summer.
Then on Sunday I drove up to Rhode island with my dad where we made great time until we got lost but it all worked out and I had the help of my current roommate Miranda and a few other people to unlode the car. at which point I called my mom and said good bye to my dad (Dear family I will see you at Christmas time!)
Then on first night the freshman welcome tour to getting involved around campus I practiced an a cappella piece that was not preformed for the reason of too much background noise. then there was some negative stuff that I have decided to censer out of this post ❤ you Miranda and Johnson ❤ that is all i have to say about that.
I have been to the beach with my Gorhome Groopies, met the freshman that want to join Quidditch Watched a few hours of the League to get caught up for the new season cried more times than I would have liked and slept in my room alone but those are just a few of the things that have happened this half week of sophomore year. I am ready to tackle year two and I hope to have some of the old and some new people to get involved in my life story say hi to me if you see me on campus I love people as a blanket statement they are wonderful!
The room I am living in is small but I can truthfully say I am starting to really like it close to perfect just one or two posters away.
This week I am putting up a short story I wrote over the summer but it seemes fragmented to me feel free to leave comments on how to fix it because right now i don’t even know what is needed.
I am at a very sad moment in my life. More heart reaching than any of the sorrows I have previously experienced in my 18.75 years of living.
Today I was told I may not get to finish collage at least not at my university and not at this time. I wish that I could be more understanding but I really can’t be. I hate my situation and also I hate how selfish I am but this is the time for me to be young and selfish. I could be taking the whole situation even worse than I am not like putting things in that perspective helps anything but I feel better just putting that bit out there. I am not 100% selfish; but I am more than I would like to be. If I had a better understanding on my family’s money situation this might not have come as so much of a shock. My family is not poor with three kids and two houses but we are far from rich. I’d always assumed I was part of the upper middle class but today as my mom sat at the computer with a calculator and the checkbook in hand explaining this year would be a stretch and the next two after that impossible. It made me want to cry. The combination of probably losing my dream school and seeing my mom like this was too much. Parents the good ones at least work the majority of their life to give their children what they need, to give them more than what they have and I have good parents. Seeing my mom talk to me like this hurts her in very different but equally painful way.
I need to get away from her and this and the thought that I may have nearly bankrupt them from my one year of learning and loving every moment of it. My escape is to go to the beach house get away from the computers that are reporting black and white digital images informing me of the astronomically high costs to get an education. I want to sleep in the car ride down to ease my mind the radio is on my eyes are closed but my mind refuses to go silent. Dad is too focused on driving in the dark busy traffic and my brother is too young to understand. I am selfish and greedy but I need to return and see my true home the place where I learned not just about the planet but who my real friends are and how strong I am and so many things that I take for granted that are there and no place else.
If I could take a year off and do community college while working I could save thousands but mother shot that down immediately I don’t have a car or a guarantee that the credits will transfer and there are not many jobs that will even make me much money minimum wage only goes so far and that is only about as far as I can run. I won’t be able to go on the treadmills I have become so familiar with or preform with my a Capella troop again. The music returns from a comitial break to the song pompii and that is the last string the tears come out of both eyes hard and heavy because if I close my eyes it does not feel like nothing has changed I know it’s never going to be the same even if I go back by taking out loans I will have a bolder on my shoulders that restrains the rest of my life. I don’t think I can be an optimist or even have an optimistic outlook on this because the pessimistic aspects are so much larger and clearer. The tears are not enough I let out a sob which still does not make me feel any better but it is something that is instinctual not voluntary.
“What’s wrong sissy?”
I sniffle in a deep breath from my noes before responding “Nothing baby, I am just scared by what the future holds.”
“Why?” he asks so innocent that is what you have in youth; innocence and it is lost to grief that comes with age.
What can I say? I thought I had a plan and now I do not; or we don’t have enough money or the cold truth that I will not be going to school so instead of having three years to finish figuring out what I want to do and get paid for it I have no time at all and without a college degree I have basically no career choices only a few employment options. “You don’t need to know why it’s an adult thing.”
“But you’re not an adult your just my big sister.”
It’s true but none the less changes nothing. What I will have to remember is that things happen for a reason and I will have to try my hardest to save up money or borrow enough to get the degree I need for my life to go as planned.
In the fall I am greeting customers at a chain restaurant my days feeling full to the brim but meaningless as a whole. I work all the time and save all I make so I can return next year, this is temporary but when you really think about it everything you do in your short life is temporary so make the best of everything you won’t have it forever.