last week was a bit ruff but ever since Friday after the chem practical i have been doing really well. i bought awkward season 1+2 on DVD binge watched the whole show and loved it, i also knit a second strawberry hat as a gift for a friend. the man repairs things in my building came today and unclogged the shower so it should drain now. school is coming close to an end this is the last week of classes before finals and then i go home. i am not excited for that because i love school URI is my home while New Jersey is really just the place i grew up.
the weekend was spent binge watching, shopping on Saturday and having an Easter day with my roommates and Craig with painted hard boil eggs, an egg hunt filled with white chocolate (because i do not eat regular chocolate) and pistachios. it was a really fun day with good friends and even better food.
so i have a short story that i wrote last night inspired by a question my roommate Abbie asked me. while writing it i was thinking of one person but as i continued i realized this related to tons of people i know so if you feel like i am in part talking to you i probably was.
closest thing to love
It’s weird to think of falling in love as an action that you have any say in. I mean I guess it’s like falling there are ways you can make yourself do it but the point is for the action to occur on its own unprovoked. I don’t think I have ever been in love, not for real. I have loved things like nail polish and grapefruit. I have said that I love people like my cousin and roommates and really close friends. But at the end of it all the closest I have ever been to being in love was with a guy I never dated.
We were best friends for two years, every time we could see each outer there was no hesitation to do so. I loved the way he smelled like cut grass from the soccer fields or the salt water from the beach and even the least appealing of his smells, after shower body wash and way too much axe cologne. We could and did talk for hours in person and on the phone, it didn’t really matter what we said just that it was being heard by the other person. A five minute drive to Costco became a half hour conversation about the simple drive down the street, each scenery detail incorporated to make me feel involved; to make me feel like I was part of his life, even if I was not a physical presence to him at every moment.
I loved that boy solidly for over two years, but my affectionate pull to him was shared by almost every girl he came in contact with. He was like a single fluorine atom highly reactive looking for one more electron to stabilize his configuration. I told myself that he was popular (because he was) and that I was important to him (and believed it). I was important but only up to the point of being useful in his eyes. I was someone to talk to and snuggle with and fawn over him but I was deep into the “friend-zone” (for lack of a better word.) and I had landed there by myself. Every time I idol-y stood by and gave a hug when I wanted a kiss or let him fall asleep in my lap while watching a transformer movie (that he picked out) and then not following up with some sure fire sign of how I felt as soon as the lights turned on. I was timid and scared to ruin the by far best friendship and possibly relationship I have ever had over telling him my feelings or worse have him not reciprocate my feeling stringing me along making me feel like an idiot for believing the lies I told myself that there was a chance I was important to him.
I changed for him, not all at once it was a slow decent into becoming more like him to have another thing to relate to because he was the person I wanted to be with and the more we had in common the merrier. I was willing to loose myself in his music and books and activities like touch football. I thought if I went along without him asking I would be the thought in the forefront of his mind whenever he thought of a cool girl or who to text when he got bored; or that he may be building up the courage to tackle me and confess his emotions but he just was waiting for the right time, some proof that I was worthy of his perfection.
But I couldn’t keep up with the other girls who thought they loved him as much or more than I did. I lost him to one of those girls, the kind that takes what she wants. The girl that puts out first, getting to know a guy second; taking him off the market as fast as she can. That girl disgusted me Him and her was a sickening thing for me I could not handle it and he could not handle me being jealous so that was the end of my friendship and the very possible first true love of my life. But how was I to stand by and listen to him my Mr. Perfect talk about another girl fulfilling his sexual pleasures when I wanted him to need me for that but I knew I was not ready, I was only fourteen and she was a year younger. Now four years have passed and I realize many things from all this. like we don’t even talk anymore and my life was fine without the wonderfully spoken long winded chats. I am glad to have had that beautiful friendship and that I didn’t make it into something more, into something I would have regretted. I have become a bolder girl which I am proud of but I have not become a shameful girl with more regrets than standards. I am a girl who has been bruised but never severely damaged, a girl who likes to watch her crush from a distance. Until I need the relationship at which point things tend not to work out. If you are sending me signs and I picked up on them then I magnify for better or worse, until I get better at reading others and understanding myself I may not be ready for love. So for now I have nail polish and shoes.
these are the new shoes and one of the pairs of earrings i got over the weekend.